I know that this isn't an easy subject to talk about. Hell, I know it isn't an easy subject to read about. I am hoping that writing about it makes it easier, for me and maybe for anyone else who hasn't processed their pain yet.
When most people hear about miscarriages, they think of a beautiful young woman, who desperately wants to have a baby, but is unable to. It is very easy to feel empathy for these woman, because when you know the joy of having a baby, you can't help but wish that for every woman (and the husbands that want the same thing). What we don't hear a lot about, is what I am going through. I have 3 beautiful, and wonderful children, but I don't feel like my family is complete. I know to some people, I should be grateful for the children that I do have, and it is almost offensive to them that I do want one more. I am grateful for my kids, I love them more than they will ever know. I just also know that there is more than enough love to go around another time.
The experience of losing a pregnancy, is a horrible one! It doesn't matter if you have children or not, it all just sucks. I do think that each person experiences different emotions though. My story goes like this...
In October 2008, Colby and I brought home our wonderful baby boy Devon, turns out Devon didn't like it when mommy wasn't around....at all, he was by all accounts a difficult baby, not colicy, just difficult. He knew, that mommy wasn't around and gave daddy a hard time. Colby had a hard time dealing with a mostly grumpy baby every weekend when I went back to work. It was maybe the 3rd or 4th weekend back at work and Colby called to tell me emphatically that we were done having kids....he was serious. From that point on, I did my best to accept that I was done having babies, but my incomplete feeling was still there. By the time Devon was around 9 to 10 months old, he mellowed out. In January 2010, Colby came to me and told me that the reason that he hadn't gone to get "snipped" was because deep down he wanted another baby too. He had reached a point that he knew he wanted a baby and I was overjoyed! We started trying in February, and got a positive test in early March. I had never had any reason to be concerned about a pregnancy, I had always gotten a positive test, then at 40 weeks (or 42 in Victoria's case) given birth to beautiful healthy babies. I went on with my normal everyday life, until the Thursday night after that positive test. I started by just seeing a small amount of brown drainage, this worried me, but my original thought was that I needed to slow down a little. That night, the small brown drainage turned to large and bright red. I was stunned, sad, confused. I told Colby that I thought I had lost the baby, but made an appointment for my Dr anyway. I am a mom, and I love my kids more than anything. I would do anything to save them from harm, but not this time. It was the most defenseless feeling I had felt, to know that my baby was in trouble, but all I could do was sit there and take it. To add insult to the whole idea, the cramping felt more like the contractions that our uterus goes through after you give birth, to get itself back to size. I had felt that pain before, but worn it as a badge of honor, after all, it was a small price for the tiny treasure that was then in my arms. This time every painful contraction, reminded me of the little treasure that I would never get to meet. Colby and I had a very hard time, we had already loved that little baby more than we knew, and now we had to come to terms with what we will never understand.
I am a nurse, my brain understands that the pregnancy was doomed, and that is why I lost it. My heart however, can't comprehend anything other than the pain that is occurring. As a matter of fact, it is easier for my brain to focus on the sadness of the moment than to try to comprehend that the baby I was losing was a failure, a mismatched chromosomal mess. I will never view it like that, my heart won't allow it.
Colby and I were able to heal from that situation, and move forward. We had another positive pregnancy test on May 2 and we were both cautiously excited. Each day that went well, we gained more confidence and excitement. then the evening of May 11th, I noticed a pale pink drainage, as if it were diluted water color. I hardly slept, I dreaded what was coming, but was hoping to be put on bed rest until it subsided. The morning of May 12th, my worst fear came back...bright red blood. I burst into a sobbing mess. Why? Why us? Why now? We just went through this, we have had our turn at that, not again! I am blessed to have Colby as my husband, he stayed home from work and went with me to see my OB. Oddly enough, it made it easier to hear that I lost my baby, when it was followed by words of encouragement from my OB. He feels like we will have another baby, that statistically 30% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, we were just unfortunate enough to go through it 2 times in a row. This time was also less physically painful, though my mind remembers the horrible previous pain with each small cramp or each new pad. This time, I am just very dizzy and lightheaded. I still hurt, just not as much.
I decided that it would be easier to share my pain in a cathartic effort to get myself in the right mental place. I am not going to work this weekend, it would be too hard to see those little babies without setting me back a lot. I am instead going to spend it with the wonderful family that I do have. I know that we still have love for another child, and we are not going to give up. I have also thought of a way to keep the memory of theses 2 babies. I am going to get 2 peony plants (my favorite) and plant them in remembrance. Every year I will get to see those plants grow and bloom, and every time I look at them, I will remember the love that I have for these two lost babies. It may not be the way everyone will deal with their pain, but I hope it works for me.
